01/04: Summer at Midnight
You met me there on the island, swam through the surf;
In the cave, where through the broken roof the moon shines,
Silver light ripples off water, stone, flesh, and bone.
The waves whispered softly to the shore as we held tight
To each other, body heat melting the cold sea from our bones.
02/04: Unbroken Heart
Three years ago to the day
You stood me on the edge of the world
And told me you could not love me.
That I was broken, unlovable and unloved.
I said nothing, holding my tongue; your love for me had died
But I could see the love my friends have for me
Writ large on their faces.
I heard today you complained that I was cold, calculated;
That I clearly felt nothing when I let you go without a fight.
Why would I fight for a love that had so clearly died and,
Like a wraith, sought to wound me as it departed.
03/04: The Hunger
There is a cold that lives inside my bones
It aches in the witching hour, calling me outwards,
To brave the cold night alone.
It lives in my teeth; the canines that, on wet windy nights,
Ache with the need to bite and tear into the throat of the world
To fill that cold with the heat of the life-spring
If even for just one more night.
04/04: Living Land
When I first arrived here I was struck by how tall the sky is;
How accepting the land was, holding me tight to itself
Back home the sky is short; Ranginui holding tight to his bride,
And the land comforting, like an old friend.
I am less sure now; the land here feels positive but indifferent,
My presence welcome, and enjoyed, but not requested,
And I am split; to return home to what I know,
Or to stay, and roll the dice on where I end up
05/04: My Twin
I was six when I first dreamed of her
My twin, left in Australia after our short stint there in infancy
Raven haired, curious, told me secrets, asked me to come to her
My family said, of course, it was just a dream.
But those dreams have always felt physically real,
And in the waking world I have felt her presence;
A warm hand on my shoulder, a kind word on a bad night;
I know not what creature my twin may be,
But I have no doubt she walks with me.
06/04: Fingers of Night
When I was young I was seized by the urge
To witness the night roiling like fog; I felt
That physics could break if I demanded it of the universe
With the right force of will
And the black tendrils of night
Would snake into the house
Through the open back door.
07/04: Robotic love
For the longest time my emotions failed
Depression sapped me of the good ones,
And medicine sapped me of the bad; when they were done
My mind was in a strange place. Negative emotions
Were always felt emotionally, but
Adjusting to good emotions is a strange process;
I feel logically that I am experiencing something
For years, decades, before I feel them emotionally again.
When I first felt basic happiness again,
Two years after it was first lost to me,
I was struck with an overwhelming fear – my mind
Rebelling at this strange intruder.
Even now I don’t feel romantic love properly,
I KNOW I love you, when I think of you I see the word
Stamped emphatically all over the image
But I do not feel it; no dopamine from thinking of you
And every romantic gesture I make is made from
Conscious effort because I know I love you, not from
Subconscious desire to please the one I emotionally love.
And I know for many that that isn’t good enough, that it feels
Like my love is somehow artificial,
That I’m just pretending to care, to avoid being alone.
But when you leave, I feel the heartbreak every bit as strong
As if you had been the greatest love in my life.
I don’t know what to do; platonic love returned fast
But I am tired of not being allowed to feel romantic love
Of the first blush of new love,
And the comforting weight of long lasting love,
Being something barred from me.
08/04: Self Image
Have you ever stood on a summers night in a breeze,
Where the scorching heat of the day has given way,
To a comforting warmth;
Where the balmy wind feels like silk on your skin.
How I see myself starts at that point, but diverges;
Sometimes I see myself waist-deep in the midnight sea,
soft breeze and murmering tide on my skin,
Calm, and at peace.
Other times I see myself, with friends, after the bar has closed,
Walking down the road at 2am, when suddenly,
In the store across the way, where one bulb has been tasked
With lighting the front window in that way
Where darkness laps at the edges
An electric red neon sign catches your eye
And demands your attention.
Energetic and unashamedly full of life.
09/04: Evening Lights
There is a specific range of colours that hurt;
A sharp pain filled with sorrow at the back of my head.
Electric blue and red neon rippling on water at night.
The soft pinks of evening, reflected on water,
On a lakefront back home.
That sorrow and pain are beautiful, comforting;
They tell me I am alive, and that the world is majestic.
I hung a photo above my bed; Aotearoa Pinks
The soft pinks of evening, reflected on water,
On a lakefront back home.
10/04: Harbourside Lights
I remember sitting on a dock in Auckland harbour,
With electric blue lights under the quay painting the water
And the dock moving softly in the tide.
The city moved around us, the nearby sidewalk still busy
But down by the water was a small bastion of calm.
11/04:
Dr. Jonathan Kim 